EDIT: Soulmate was the wrong word to use but keeping that in title.
Warning: My apologies but this might be
a long read. I will be relaying my emotions here so if you don't
want to read that kind of stuff, I gave ample warning :P. My apologies.
Growing up, I always had the idea of meeting a special person and spending the rest of my life with that person. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but in my grade school years I have had people that had crushes on me. I dismissed them as childish and unproductive waiting for my adult years to meet an individual that would complete me mentally and spiritually.
As I matured, I found that, contrary to my adolescence, I began to become attracted to Korean women. I told my mom that her daughter-in-law was going to be Korean. I wanted to find a woman that could teach me my ancestral culture. Going through college I encountered Koreans but found them to be very different from me. Being a 3rd generation Korean-American, not speaking Korean initially (learned it through college), and never having many Korean friends, it was very difficult to engage in any sort of relationships with Korean nationals (as friends).
It wasn't until Fall 2010, when I transferred to university, that I met the person that I had been waiting for. She was an international student from Korea and was about to graduate but needed to take an unrelated class in her major (she was a math major, and we were taking an art class) to fulfill her graduation requirements.
With English not one of her stronger skills, she asked if I could help her. I did and treated respectfully like how I would treat any other woman. I have a strong respect for the female gender. I would reread articles and explain it to her in a way she could understand. I also helped her study for the tests.
The class ended and we started to hang out more frequently as I started to give her English lessons. These English lessons began to turn into a relationship where we started to talk about our personal dreams, God, etc. We would go to the beach, go hiking, and museums. Even though I wasn't a Christian (I believe in God, however) I went with her to church, even dawn prayer service. We started to spend quality time with each other. I enjoyed just being there with her.
One night at the beach, I told her that I protect my friends and that I am loyal to them but do not expect the same in return since I know that most people cannot. She told me to let my guard down and let her be able to take care of me as well.
Long story short, I finally confessed my emotions to her that night. With tears streaming down my face, I told her I loved her. Not knowing how she would respond, I was scared. This was the first person I had ever had feelings for. She then held my hand as I drove home.
She knew my goals in life as I had talked about it before we got together. I told her that I was a one woman man and that I only wanted one relationship in life and that the person I had it with would be my wife. She agreed to this as we had basically already shared everything with each other before I told her my feelings.
I introduced her to my parents and they loved her. Her dad, who never liked any of her boyfriends before, liked me without even seeing me. Her mom was already planning a wedding in Korea.
She finally went back to Korea. I believe that love can transcend distance and I told her to always remember that I was there with her in spirit. In Korea we talked everyday. Since there is a 16 hour difference between LA and Korea, I would wake up an hour early before work so I could talk to her before she went to sleep. I would also go home after school and talk to her when she woke up. That way she would not have to inconvenience herself just to talk to me.
She finally got a job in Korea and I was happy. However, she started to become more distant from me. She also started to become distant from her parents and they were getting disappointed with her. She would only talk to me when she was bored. I understood that her job was very stressful but I urged her to talk to me so she didn't have to deal with it alone.
In America, she said that I was the first in her life – before God of course. I equally viewed her as my queen and she became my priority in life. I started to save my money from work for her graduate school here in the states, but I never told her. I also restructured my future plans
To cut things short, her feelings for
me had changed. Seeing how our conversations began to change, I had
to get it out of her through various questioning methods but she
finally told me that her job was more important than me – not in
those words, but alluded to it. She also asked me if I could wait for 2 years and see if she changed her mind. I of course said NO! (I kind of regret it now...)
We had a discussion about it
and I told her that I would let her be free so she can pursue her
dreams instead of having to worry about me. She didn't protest. Of
course, I didn't want to say it but I wanted to see her reaction. I
wanted her to come back to me. I told her that I could never open my
heart to anyone again and that didn't budge her.
The next day I told her I would come to Korea so we could talk things out and she said, “Why are you coming to Korea?” That comment stabbed me in the heart and made me feel a pain that I had never felt before. She acted as if we never had that conversation and as if we never knew each other. I let it be and told to her forget it if she really had no clue.
Since she was supposed to come back to America for a visit, I held her car at my place. Therefore there was a reason for us to meet again, if anything, so I could give it back. I wrote long emails to her between that time and she would reply with one sentence replies, such as, “I'm sorry I put you through trouble.”
Finally she came back to America, and I was infuriated at her capricious nature that she had been talking to me a couple of days before. I finally felt a rage that I never experienced before and wish for no one to ever feel. I felt like I wanted to kill someone. Luckily one of my friends took me out to cool me down.
While I was out with my friend, she called me and asked if I could pick her up. I did and I let it out on her since she couldn't escape me. She stayed silent the whole time. She finally said that we would talk before she went back to Korea. When I finally gave her her car, I hugged her and told her I missed her and she pushed me off. She was huffing by now. This was someone who would call me her 자기 and vice-versa (sorry cant really translate it, but something like “one with me”).
So she never contacted me and it's been over a year now since that incident. I take it she went back to Korea. I miss her and it is very hard to let these emotions die. I gave 100% of myself to her. I waited 24 years to meet that special someone. She came and then she left. She was the kindest person that I have ever met and I felt bad that people took advantage of her. But in the end, I should have guarded myself. I was an idiot to ever expect a woman that would love me the same way that I loved her. To think that I waited my whole life only to look like a fool.
Now, I figure maybe I should look elsewhere and try to get my mind off of her. However, I feel like this is betraying my core beliefs. Also, how can I trust a woman again? I want a woman that I can give 100% of myself and expect the same. However, my trust is completely shattered. I once trusted one person with my life and that didn't turn out good. What do you people think I should do?
A little thing about my personality though. I am quite reserved/shy and it is hard for me to strike up conversations with women. I also used to be into bodybuilding so for a Korean I am kind of big (about 240 lbs) and I know that a lot of Korean women are more into leaner guys? There's just so much against me!
So what should I do? Do you women think that I was being a bit unrealistic? Was I asking for too much?
Thank you for reading.